Demons and Memories

I am struggling today with memories of things long past. They affect me as if they had just recently happened, warping my emotions into cocktails of despair, anger, sadness, confusion, and despondency. I have an emotional problem that is the result of a chemical imbalance, but this knowledge doesn't keep the spectors at bay.

This isn't science; this is pure hell, as far as I am concerned. No pill will take this away quickly enough, and even if a pill could, the thoughts remain in my head, waiting to blossom again into another amazing psychological stench.

This is where it crosses my mind to smudge my room. (Burn a smudge stick to fill my room with the fragrant smoke.)

This action is not necessarily a mystical one, though I certainly believe that doing it will clear my room of stagnant energy (More on that later).
Something about presenting evidence of destruction-- in this case, smoke--  and leaving it there in the face of things which tie and bind the mind somehow presents a clear space for later growth. Like wildflowers growing in the ashes the morning after a forest fire, the mind can breathe again, and the energy in my room will be clear and easy to be in again.

It is as if one has fooled their demons into thinking that all here is dead, already. They will move on temporarily.

The fragrance of the burning herbs is not entirely offensive to a person like me, though. I am not turned away by it, and nor is my God. We will remain and continue as we have been after the smoke has cleared. (Though, this is not at all like burning inscence. Anyone who cannot stand smoke should not do this....)

As far as the seeds of memory left behind, I still do not know what to do with them. In time they will not seek to root so quickly. Maybe I can change the way my mind is balanced so that they cannot blossom like that any longer.

Taking a medication and attending therapy will help that process. Sometimes I wish I had more than one session every two weeks. 

In the meantime, I hold my demons at bay with fire and smoke. It's a neat trick. It's one that I am learning to lean on as much as anything else.

As one doctor said to me, once: "Anything that helps."

The gravity of coffee: A meditation.

A lot goes into small things. 

Originally written on 9/13/13:


The past week has been full of fun and small and large miracles. Right now I am enjoying the small miracle of sweet snack treats and a coffee.  I am wearing nice clothes. I am safe.  I am reading a book via a rather nifty electronic device.
My life is full of miracles that I constantly take for granted. I am not particularly worthy of these things and there are others who would do much better things with them if they had access to just a few of them.

These thoughts leave me with a heavy heart and a dark reverence that threatens to become depression if left unchecked.
The things that are supposed to bring me happiness do not bring me any such thing when I really think about them.

We really must do more for our siblings all around us. They deserve no less than our utmost care in a world that requires so much for survival and comfort. I have my part to do also. I have been selfish in many ways. How can any of us deny the simplest comforts to those who would benefit just as much if not more than those who have constant access to them?

This thought brings to mind many things that I have heard online and in person about the things that the people around us do and don't "deserve". I don't deserve coffee even though I have it... I simply had the money to buy it, and it occurred to me I might enjoy some. Yes, I earned the money to buy it with, but inherent worth of a person or an experience is not something that is measured by income, spending power, or social status.

It occurs to me that these sorts of thoughts about others and whether or not they are worthy of this or that are evil thoughts because they reduce people to collections of money and influence without taking into account the fact that they live, just as their accusers do: Without any say in the matter, and with the instinct to survive and enjoy a few things along the way.

I am writing this here to keep myself accountable to my own thoughts on the matter.

On Gathering and Spending Things

Some items on my makeshift altar.

Some things in life can be expensive, like Sunday clothes or that new devotional bible that cost about 70 dollars while still on sale. A church building is also expensive, since most of the money offering at the churches I've attended go to keeping the lights on and the building maintained. In the grand scheme of things, unless the congregation is wealthy as a whole unit, very little money will go to helping those around the community and beyond.

I've discovered that in starting this path, things can be expensive as well. I've bought little stones and many many sticks of incense.  I've also rediscovered old things and re-purposed them, like an old Mancala game board that is now serving as an altarpiece for candles, stones and a little sake cup (seen in this photo).
Most of my money is going toward books and the daily incense burn. Luckily for me, I can get it cheaply and nearby. Tea lights are also inexpensive and come in bulk. I will be lighting a lot of them because of events not only in my life, but in the lives of my friends.

Over the years, I've begun journeying on this path at least three times before. Each time, I gathered supplies. Each time, I discarded them again because of the guilt I associated with "witchcraft". I never threw them away, but I did shut them up in two big boxes in the back of my closet for a total of about 5 years. My Christian books went into one box and my Pagan books and supplies went into another. I did this because they were both yelling at me incessantly and I couldn't take it anymore.

Now that I am making peace with it all, I am finding things I forgot I had. I am also finding new uses for old things. Lastly, I am finding more and more reasons to end up at my altar:  The friend who experiences chronic pain that no medication can help any longer. The friend whose sister is suddenly in labor at 6 months. The potential war in Syria. My brother who is overseas. My uncle and grandmother in the Northeast United States. Some insight I suddenly had into my own weaknesses.

The altar calls me, and I sit and talk to YHWH while burning more and more scents into the air. By now, my room smells like an abundance of smoke and perfume.

Like the objects that make up my overall altar, I am gathering my thoughts about what I had been ignoring or overlooking. The things I burn are more for me than YHWH. They are a sign that these things are on my heart, and that by sending my thoughts, hopes and fears up into the smoke and flames, perhaps they will reach unseen ears a little faster.

Perhaps its just comforting to see something being manipulated instead of just feeling my heart wrenching back and forth.

At night, everything burns, and I write. In the morning, the altar is tidied up before I leave for the day.
By evening, I am reading more material to better understand the things I do, and at night I am back at my altar.

Some say that getting involved in Paganism (or Wicca, since more people are familiar with that path) is expensive. It's expensive in books, supplies, travel, and especially time.
Well, I would disagree with that. It's no more expensive than maintaining a Sunday only wardrobe, or buying a new bible or set of devotional books and CDs. The only difference is that if you are a minor and attending a traditional Christian way, these things are bought for you by someone else. However, rest assured that someone paid for them, and they were not cheap. Travel to a church building 1-3 times a week is also expensive... as are trips to retreats and so forth.

Spirituality is free, but the accouterments of outward devotion are expensive. This expense in money, time, materials and travel are necessary for some. I know they are for me right now. I don't take special pride in it. It's something to think about for the future, though.

If what we are seeking has nothing to do with money, then why do we spend so much of it to prove to ourselves that we care?
Interesting question.

It is one that I will think about with every dollar I spend and save in the trek onward.

A little background

I'm not very good with writing, so bear with me.

I started this blog because In the past two weeks, I've decided to embark on a spiritual path that I had once considered, but thought was invalid due to the friction between the two major halves that make up its whole.

Christianity and Neo-Paganism--or any sort of Paganism-- have a very hard past together. I'm not going to go into it, here, but you can find all sorts of material strewn across the internet as well as in published material.

I grew up as a conservative Christian in a conservative home with a conservative life (all the kinds of conservative you can imagine: religious, social, political, etc.). However, despite not ever being exposed to certain things like other religions, heavy church history, and sexualities, all of these things just landed in my lap and I was curious about them.  I quickly discovered that the last place to ask questions was in a church. I inadvertently outed myself as a "rebellious" child even though I was devout as anyone who attended that congregation. By the time I was 19, I realized that I no longer wanted to attend there. Possibly not anywhere. This was alarming to me, and I tried to simply change denominations. I even attempted to change religions.  Both attempts were futile because YHWH was my god, and my understanding of YHWH was not limited to traditional Christianity. I could see YHWH in many other religions and I could appreciate YHWH there.

My personal idealism also lead me to believe that the earth was very important, and that YHWH required no building. My romanticism had me praying over incense and speaking to the moon.

In the end, I am now 32. I have made many mistakes, and I still make them.
My goal in beginning this blog is to share my journey.
I am currently what would be called a Solitary, meaning that I practice alone, without the company of others due to the lack of them to seek out, or simply by choice. At this moment, I'm not inclined to seek out a coven or a circle, because I am still finding my way.

As a warning to my readers, I am crafting this path as I go along. This will not be a clean, easy, or clear cut way. I am running as quickly and carefully as I can...hence the name "Flying by Foot". I am not on a broom or a gust of wind just yet and expect to trip and fall quite a bit.

Please join me on this journey, and share your thoughts, no matter what angle they may come from.